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Hiding from Love, by John Townsend
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When you experience emotional injury, fear, shame, or pride your first impulse is to hide the hurting parts of yourself from God, others, even yourself. Often you've learned these hiding patterns during childhood to protect yourself in a threatening environment. The problem is that when you hide your injuries and frailties, you isolate yourself from the very things you need in order to heal and mature. What served as protection for a child becomes a prison to an adult. In Hiding from Love, Dr. John Townsend helps you to explore thoroughly the hiding patterns you've developed and guides you toward the healing grace and truth that God has built into safe, connected relationships with himself and others. You'll discover: The difference between "good" and "bad" hiding, Why you hide the broken parts of your soul from the God who can heal them, How to be free to make mistakes without fear of exposing your failures and imperfections, How to obtain the joy and wholeness God intends you to have through healthy bonding with others. Hiding from Love will take you on a journey of discovery toward healing, connected relationships, and a new freedom and joy in living.
- Sales Rank: #17210 in Books
- Brand: Townsend, John
- Published on: 1996-02-01
- Released on: 1996-01-23
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.99" h x .75" w x 5.28" l, .50 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 304 pages
From the Back Cover
When you experience emotional injury, fear, shame, or pride your first impulse is to hide the hurting parts of yourself from God, others, even yourself. Often you've learned these hiding patterns during childhood to protect yourself in a threatening environment. The problem is that when you hide your injuries and frailties, you isolate yourself from the very things you need in order to heal and mature. What served as protection for a child becomes a prison to an adult. In Hiding from Love, Dr. John Townsend helps you to explore thoroughly the hiding patterns you've developed and guides you toward the healing grace and truth that God has built into safe, connected relationships with himself and others. You'll discover: The difference between 'good' and 'bad' hiding, Why you hide the broken parts of your soul from the God who can heal them, How to be free to make mistakes without fear of exposing your failures and imperfections, How to obtain the joy and wholeness God intends you to have through healthy bonding with others. Hiding from Love will take you on a journey of discovery toward healing, connected relationships, and a new freedom and joy in living.
About the Author
Dr. John Townsend is a leadership consultant, psychologist, and New York Times bestselling author. He has written twenty-seven books, selling 10 million copies, including the 3 million-selling Boundaries series. John is founder of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling and conducts the Townsend Leadership program. He travels extensively for corporate consulting, speaking, and working with leadership families. He and his wife Barbi have two sons, and live in Newport Beach, California. One of John's favorite hobbies is playing in a band that performs in Southern California lounges and venues.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Discussion Guide In my years of counseling hurting people, I’ve seen all too often that we tend to hide from the very relationships and truths we need to flourish. Why do we do this? And how can we stop? Those are the questions that this guide gives you the opportunity to discuss, pray about, and practice.
Other than reading the designated material before your discussion session, you don’t need to prepare anything in advance. Each session does, however, include some ideas for taking home what you’ve learned and putting it into practice. Leading a Discussion Group
Here are a few guidelines for leaders of discussion sessions:
At the first meeting, take time to get to know one another. By way of introduction, have each person give their name, describe what they do, and share what they would do if they were given four hours of free time. Before moving into the discussion time, welcome the members, tell why you are interested in the material and excited about the group, clarify any housekeeping details, and set forth basic guidelines regarding starting time, ending time, keeping what is shared confidential, feeling free to be quiet, and limiting contributions so others can participate.
Make the group safe. At your first meeting—and occasionally thereafter—remind people that everything shared is strictly confidential and that no one will ever be forced to answer a question aloud.
Monitor the discussion. Be sensitive to the quiet people who want to speak as well as to those louder ones who want to talk the entire time. Often sitting across from quieter people encourages them to speak and sitting next to the talkative ones can limit their contributions. Also remind people that you have a limited time together and to be courteous of fellow members by allowing everyone the opportunity to participate.
Set a tone of acceptance. People respond in different ways to the sensitive issues addressed in Hiding from Love. Model for the group complete acceptance of whatever emotions arise.
Close your group time with prayer. Don’t forget to pray for the specific issues that arise during your discussion.
Pray for your group during the week. Pray for each individual and pray for the time that you will be meeting together. Ask God to bless the time with his healing presence. Leading a Thirteen-Week Study
The questions for seventeen chapters can be adapted to a thirteen-week curriculum by pairing up chapters 4 and 5, 6 and 7, and 8 and 9, and omitting group discussion of chapter 12 (do assign the questions for individuals to work on alone or perhaps with another member of the group).
After clearly defining the developmental need addressed in each of the four chapters (4 through 7), use the following questions in your discussion of chapters 4 and 5 and then of chapters 6 and 7: 1. Explain how you can tell whether either of these two needs is injured in you personally. 2. How do you think that part of you became injured? 3. What have you done to hide from or protect that part of you? 4. What do you think it will take for that part of you to be restored to health? What is God’s role? What is your role? (Refer specifically to suggested skills where they’re provided.) What is the role of God’s people? 5. In the closing prayer, tell God where you feel you are injured. Ask him to heal you and to enable you to take the steps you need to take to stop hiding.
For your single-session discussion of helpful hiding (chapters 8–9), focus on the first three questions from chapter 8 and the second and third questions from chapter 9. In closing, combine appropriate elements of the two prayers. Chapter One: Jenny’s Story 1. When you read Jenny’s story, were you reminded of anyone you know? What about that person—words, behaviors, mannerisms—gives you the sense that he or she is hiding from love? 2. When you read Jenny’s story, which of her experiences, feelings, and thoughts could you identify with? 3. What hurtful experience led you into hiding? What places, behaviors, and habits have become your haven? What rules have you developed to give yourself a sense of control over your life? What changes in your perspective on the past and in your emotions have you noticed since going into hiding? 4. Write a brief letter to your own child just as Jenny spoke to "Little Jenny." In it, acknowledge your child’s fears and their roots, the hiding places he or she has gone to, and the time, effort, and risk involved in learning to trust again. If you are able to at this point, offer your child words of hope and encouragement and the hand of an older, safe person (an "Officer Josef") to hold. 5. Spend a few minutes talking to God about how you, like Jenny, are hiding. This may be difficult if you are hiding from God. If that’s the case, be honest about your struggle to pray and about how distant he feels. Ask God to be with you as you continue this study and to enable you to come out from hiding.
Most helpful customer reviews
137 of 140 people found the following review helpful.
Specific answers, not platitudes
By DS
I have read almost everything I can get my hands on to help me understand myself, my ex, and why it all went wrong. I finally feel like I understand why we have the defenses we do, and why it's so hard to snap out of it. The author combines years of solid experience working with people in real clinical situations with inspirational insight into issues of the heart in light of the Biblical understanding God gives us about how He created us. This book was rare for me, because it is solid and specific about why we are afraid to reach out and grasp what we most need to truly heal. I found it especially different because it addresses the problem of well-meaning Christians who come across as judgemental when they are really trying to be loving and helpful, as well as the tendency sometimes in counseling to provide acceptance and safety without the truth and responsiblity we need to grasp the power to actually change. It is refreshing because it is solid, specific, and treats us as complex, wonderful but fallable children of God who are hurting and so to protect ourselves from further injury we hide, afraid to reach out and try again. But it is not a how-to formula book so much as a scriptural guidebook to see how God made us and how he heals us. This book is not just the same old same old. For me, this book was tremendously important for unlocking hurts and helping me understand. It's not as easily readable as some of his other books like Changes that Heal, Boundaries, or Safe People, but I think it builds on the others and goes deeper. It's about exactly what it says it is, why we hide from love and how to safely come out of our fears and become who we were created to be.
122 of 128 people found the following review helpful.
Hiding From Love: The Book that Helped Change My Life
By A Customer
Hiding From Love provided me with the insight I needed to understand all the why's I had dealt with my entire life. At the age of 45 I was finally able to understand why I had felt so "unlovable", "insecure" and "stupid" as a child, that there were very valid reasons for my thinking that way about myself that were NOT MY FAULT. I began to see myself with confidence, and worthy of being loved, for the first time in my life! I would recommend this book wholeheartedly to anyone struggling with childhood abandonment issues.
49 of 51 people found the following review helpful.
Some reflections
By Prabal Ray
In this book the author (who is the co-author with Henry Cloud of the Boundaries series) uses an extended allegory to explain the problem that many people have in their relationships. In the allegory, a girl has to hide from enemy forces that have taken over her town. She learns not to trust anyone especially soldiers in uniform. Eventually when friendly, liberating forces arrive she responds to them in the same way i.e. with fear, mistrust and hatred. This allegory is presented as a picture of the tendency of people who have suffered emotional hurt or abuse to take these experiences forward into their subsequent relationships.
The author argues that typically these experiences manifest themselves in four destructive ways:
* The inability to recognise both good and bad in people / situations
* Attachment deficits - the inability to open up to people emotionally or to allow them to get close to you
* Separation deficits - the inability to say "No" to certain people, to establish boundaries with people, always feeling the need to do what people say, to agree with people regardless of one's true feelings
* Authority and adulthood deficits
The author discusses in detail many things that may help to repair the deficits in these areas. I strongly recommend that people read the book for themselves. However here is a list of principles which I personally have found helpful:
Recognising Good and Bad
---------------------------------
Give up the need for perfection both in ourselves and in the world around us. Stop striving for the ideal. Accept that "good enough" is good enough.
Accept that both we ourselves and the people around us are not 100% good or bad but a mixture of good and bad.
Think of the people that we admire and respect. Are we in danger of putting them on a pedestal? Dwell for a moment on their bad points. Notice how they are a mixture. Try not to idealise people; it will just make it more difficult when they do let us down. At the same time notice how despite their bad points, we can still appreciate the good in them.
Recognise where we have been in denial about our own personal failings and errors. Accept responsibility for our mistakes. Confess our mistakes to other people and give them the opportunity to accept and forgive us; this could be the start of healing for them as well as for us.
Think of some people that we have come to dislike - perhaps people that we try to avoid. What is it about them that made us start to dislike them? Can we think of any good points about them? Have we been fair in our judgement of them?
Recognise that most days are a mixture of good and bad. Sometimes we say that a day (eg a day out or a holiday) has been "completely ruined" by one thing going wrong. Try to see that that is not true - one small problem should not cancel out a whole period of time when everything has been more or less OK.
Make sadness our ally rather than our enemy. Most people recognise that grieving the death of a loved one is a normal part of the healing process and that suppressing one's emotions in such circumstances is not a healthy way of dealing with it. However this principle is also true in less traumatic situations; the grieving process can be a vital way to bring about recovery from any kind of disappointment. Sadness and grieving can be God's way of resolving past hurts.
Attachment Deficits
------------------------------
Don't allow the bad experiences with people in the past to drive us into a state of isolation. If we are prone to doing this, we need to find safe, warm relationships in which emotional needs will be accepted and not subjected to criticism and judgement. Healing comes from openness to people. Clearly this does require that we take risks with our needs, a great deal of patience and perseverance, and a determination not to retreat into hiding when people do let us down. We need always to bear in mind the principles above i.e. that everyone is a mixture of good and bad.
Separation Deficits
------------------------------
If we have difficulty saying "No" to people, or feel a pressure always to agree with everyone, we may need consciously to "practice disagreement" i.e. go out of our way to disagree with people and to emphasise our own opinions.
Ask God to help us to become truth tellers even of negative truth
Find people who celebrate our separateness i.e. people who respect and accept our "No" as well as our "Yes"
Learn to respect other people's separateness i.e. respect other people's 'no' as much as their 'yes'
Authority and Adulthood
------------------------------------
Recognise if a particular person or people have an excessive or unhealthy degree of control over us. Do we relate to that person almost like a child towards a parent rather than as two adults? (This can include relationships between parents and their grown up children. "Good parenting should culminate in a relationship based on friendship and equality, not continued control").
See authority as a positional not a personal issue - eg we should give a manager the respect and submission that his position demands, but that doesn't mean being blind to his faults. Also we need to remember that authority has limits and parameters. We need to recognise what these are.
Take an inventory of our values and convictions. Ask ourselves, "what do I believe?", then find out "why do I believe it?"
Develop your talents. Adulthood involves finding out what our passion is, what we really want to accomplish in our lives and what gifts we have to do it. This may be different from our family's expectations.
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